Fuck this shit

Let’s just start this post off by saying fuck this shit. My first full day being by myself in this rv was a complete disaster in every way possible. It started off good. I woke up packed up my bed (turning it back into the table I spent all day at). Had a breakfast burrito and opened all the windows and the door to let fresh air in. I was okay for half the day, things were great. Around 3 in the afternoon a man approached the door. I assumed he was friends with my dad or the owner of the lot I am on. He proceeded to ask me if I knew if or when the strip club was opening back up. I told him probably not for a while it’s apparently illegal to shake your naked ass during the pandemic. I thought he would walk away but he stayed were he was. (Here’s where it gets bad, so buckle your seats.) He asked me if I was staying here alone, I of course being a woman speaking to a grizzly Adams looking mother fucker, told him no. My dad is on his way back from the store, hoping to scare him off. I thought it worked for a moment when he walked away. I sat back down and resumed watching my show. Not even 5 minutes later the same very large man walked back up to the door and reached for the handle of the screen door asking me if I would dance for him. I reached for the first thing I saw, which happened to be a very large hunting knife. I told him I absolutely would not and told him to get the fuck away from my home while I pointed the knife at him. Since then I’ve been on a panic strike the ptsd from being sexually assaulted before has kicked in 100% at this point. I slammed the door shut, locked it, tied the handle to the railing next to the door, and barricades all entrances. I’ve been sitting here holding this knife ever since. I refuse to allow myself to be brutalized in that manor once again. I’m just not sure why men think it’s okay to make a woman feel unsafe in a place she has to lay her head. Why do men think they have the right to be pleased at any and every point they damn well please? The fact that women are overly sexualized in a manner that makes men feel it’s okay to take advantage of a woman, or force sex on a woman, is NOT okay. I shouldn’t have to feel like I need to take a knife to the bathroom in my own damn home. I shouldn’t have to feel afraid to watch tv because I can’t hear if someone approaches the rv. So here’s an idea for the men, keep your rotten hands off of women who don’t want you touching them. Keep your crude comments to yourself. Lastly, if you wouldn’t allow someone to treat your mother, wife, daughter, sister, or female relative a certain way why don’t you extend that generosity to other women and respect them the same. But I’m going to end this entry and try to get my bed together to lay down, even though now i won’t be getting any sleep. Well, until next time, be kind to others and love yourself how you would love everyone else.

Flying Friday

Hey everyone I’ve been in a manic episode lately. But I guess that’s what happens when your unmedicated and bipolar, pretty normal stuff right? Two weeks ago I took a spontaneous trip to Florida and kept postponing my flight home. I finally got on a plane to come back to Pennsylvania today. No big deal right? WRONG! I was feeling pretty triggered when the plane landed. I had thoughts of staying on the plane and faking it like I had a ticket to the next destination. I mean they don’t give boarding passes out of you don’t have to leave the plane your already on. Not to mention the next stop is Vegas! It’s a bipolar wonderland after all! It’s a city that never sleeps and has activities 24/7, perfect! I sat there contemplating it while I sat next to a business woman from California waiting to Endure the last 8 hours of flying she had to get back home. We had a conversation about where we were from and where we plan on going. She was a super nice woman from Michigan, she moved to California on a whim 10 years ago and never looked back. She built a home there and stayed. It got me thinking. Would I ever stay in one place long enough to build a home. I’ve lived in 8 states so far, and so far none of them felt right. State number 9 is going to be coming in January when I embark on a self journey. You know, I’ve never felt more confident in a move. I’ve found a program that helps me get help regulating my bipolar while teaching people like me who never had a parent show me how to actually adult. Till then I’m staying in an rv in the middle of nowhere and working in a diner….well I will work once I can get an interview. But I know I got it in the bag. No one is more convincing than a bipolar gypsy with a dream. But it’s late and I have to force myself to sleep. (Perks of a manic episode….no sleep.) Well to anyone who actually is reading this I hope your night is better than mine, and I hope you get some sleep. Till next time, do something nice and remember your self worth. ❤️